


Next Thing I Know I Lose Control

by witchesmortuary



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Joan lives with Brenda, pain pain pain, screak - Freeform, she finds out over the news and loses it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27197200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesmortuary/pseuds/witchesmortuary
Summary: Brenda dies and Joan is at home waiting for her girlfriend and finds out about her death over the news. She breaks down.
Relationships: Joan Ferguson/Brenda Murphy
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Next Thing I Know I Lose Control

**Author's Note:**

> My first but definitely not last screak fanfiction! This is a ``what happened with Joan during all of this´´ reimagining. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> The Title is from ``Little Miss Perfect´´

_ Joan leaned against the doorframe with her arms crossed as she watched Brenda close the buttons of her crisp white blouse. ``Are you sure I can‘t come with you? We could get the money and be on our way.´´ she said and pushed away to walk over to the brunette woman. Her eyes roamed over her body for a split second before she looked up and watched her through the mirror. _

_ Brenda chuckled low and straightened the blouse before she turned around and kissed the corner of her kiss as she moved to the bed to put her shoes on. ``I am sure. I‘ll get the money and be back before you know it. We leave in the morning, they haven‘t found you yet and won‘t find you any time soon.´´ she tried to reassure the taller woman. Brenda saw her fingers twitching at her side and watched Joan shift her feet a little, she was nervous. ``Come here.´´ she held out her arms and at Joan‘s questioning look she indicated for her to take her hands. When she did she pulled the Ex-Governor into her lap and wrapped her arms around her waist, placing them gently on her buttocks. ``It‘s going to be alright. She won‘t try anything, she doesn‘t even know you are with me.´´ she brushed one of the grey hair strands behind Joan‘s ear and kissed her forehead so she would stop frowning. ``Now stop worrying. Take a shower, drink something, and by the time you‘re done I am already home again, eh?´´ _

_ Joan had her arms wrapped around Brenda‘s shoulders and sighed. ``Right...Alright.´´ she mumbled and leaned her forehead against Brenda‘s. ``Just make it quick. I want to fuck you.´´ she mumbles against her lips and grins wide when she feels Brenda shiver. _

_ ``Now isn‘t that a perfect proposition to come home to.´´ Brenda‘s voice is husky as she squeezes Joan‘s ass and kisses her passionately. ``Now off you go. I‘m gonna need to be on time.´´ she slaps her ass and laughs when Joan lets out a surprised gasp. _

_ They both walk to the door when Brenda turns to Joan and kisses her again. ``I love you.´´ _

_ Joan smiles and kisses her forehead quickly. ``I know. I‘ll have something to eat ready by the time you get home. Be safe.´´ _

_ Brenda smiles knowingly and walks out the door, a last look thrown over her shoulders and Joan keeps screaming the words in her head but hadn‘t dared to say them.  _ **_I love you too!_ **

* * *

It‘s been 4 hours. Joan is pacing the living room, two abandoned glasses filled with red wine left and a plate with two sandwiches left on the coffee table.  **She should be home by now. Why isn‘t she home yet?** she keeps asking herself and every car outside makes her dart to the door to open it, hoping it was Brenda. But every time she was disappointed. Joan tried to push the growing panic down and turned on the TV to try and distract her mind from the panicking thoughts that kept getting louder.

**What if she left without you?** \- Brenda wouldn't do that. She promised to be back, they were going to go to Rio.

**What if Vera called the police and she got arrested? Was she going to tell them where you are?** \- It seemed unrealistic. There was nothing she was getting out of this, right?

**A lighter sentence. She could have been offered a lesser sentence if she sold you out.** \- But no one knew she was with Brenda. It was their secret. Joan buried her face in her hands and muffled the scream that slipped past her lips. When she heard another car, Joan jumped out and ran to the door to check. When she once was disappointed she walked back into the living room. That‘s when she heard it.

**_``...will be remanded over the murder of former Wentworth corrections officer Brenda Murphy.´´_ **

Her eyes were locked on the screen where Derek Channing got into a police car.

**over the murder of former Wentworth corrections officer Brenda Murphy.**

The words kept ringing in her ears as a picture of Brenda appeared on the screen. It felt like time came to a stop right then and there. She felt tears falling down her cheeks before she even had the chance to notice it. Her fingers touched the tears and she started wiping them away when her knees buckled and she sank to her knees. Joan didn‘t feel the pain of her knees hitting wood or the headache that was slowly approaching which should be head splittingly bad, she knew but she didn‘t feel it. All Joan Ferguson felt was emptiness, emptiness where pain should be.

That‘s when it hit her. She never said it back. Brenda never knew. A loud sob fell from her lips and she doubled over, arms wrapped tight around her stomach as her fingers bunched into the shirt.  **I love you. I love you. I love you.** she kept thinking as she started hitting her temple with the ball of her right hand.

Her tear struck face fell to the TV where now some romance was playing and she scrambled for the remote. She didn‘t want to see that, she didn‘t want to see anything right now. Her fingers were tight around the black remote and she felt the rubber of the buttons under her fingertips. When the TV turned off, silence fell over the room, the only noises came from the outside. The Silence was deafening.

Joan shakingly stood up, still crying when her eyes fell to the plate and a wave of rage went through. Not at Brenda, no. The rage was dedicated towards Derek  **fucking** Channing. She threw the remote on the floor and it shattered instantly. A deafening scream tore through her and she felt her hands curling into fists as she punched the wall. Through a blurry vision, the ex-Governor saw the hole but she didn‘t care, didn‘t feel the stinging pain of her knuckles.

Her body was trembling. She threw over the table next to her where the telephone was perched on and it crashed against the floor with a loud thud and the telephone station shattered.

In a matter of seconds, the coffee table was overturned and a large pool of wine was forming on the floor where the glasses and the bottle had shattered and the sandwich was amidst of it. Immediately the thought of Brenda bleeding came to her head and she sobbed louder, stumbling backward until she hit a wall and she sank against it, her knees drawn up to her chest.

**She can‘t be dead. She promised to come back to me! She said she‘d be home before I know it!** she kept repeating in her head and stared at the wine puddle. Tears continued rolling down her cheeks as she rocked back and forth, her back hitting the wall continuously.  **We were going to live in Rio!** pressed her inner voice and she tightened her fingers around her shins, her nails digging into her skin through the fabric. She remembered Brenda‘s enthusiasm when she came home, her excited voice when she explained her plan and the bright grin on her face as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss Joan enthusiastically. 

* * *

_ ``When we go to Rio de Janeiro we can finally stop hiding, Joan! We can get a nice house, a big garden and we can be as loud as we want. And I know how to get the money we need!´´ Brenda explained as she pulled Joan away from the stove and sat down with her on the chairs. _

_ Joan laughed a little, confusion edged over her face. ``And how, pray tell, do you want to get the money together so we can run away to Brazil?´´ she asked. _

_ The smaller woman wiggled her eyebrows. ``Of course, we put away money already but I have another plan. But that‘s my problem, ey? Don‘t you worry your pretty little head about that.´´ She kissed Joans’ lips gently and the dark haired woman shivered slightly. _

_ Joan pulled away and smirked. ``Oh? You think my head is pretty?´´ she asked with a teasing undertone, her fingers wandering under the black shirt that Brenda was wearing. _

_ The brunette ex-officer nodded. ``Yes. Absolutely beautiful!´´ she affirmed and sat on Joan‘s lap. _

* * *

Joan almost choked on her sob and let out a blood curdling scream, her face buried between her knees.  **She‘s the only person who ever actually cared about me** , she thought the lump in her throat growing with each second and she stared at the photo of Brenda and herself almost beaming; the photo was positioned on the drawer next to the TV.

After not moving for what felt like hours, Joan shivered from the cold. Slowly she uncurled from her position and crawled over to the couch where she grabbed the maroon fleece blanket and, almost in trance, crawled back to the same position, far away from the damage, from the TV, from where she had found out. Joan wrapped the blanket around herself, pulled her legs back against her chest and sat there, still staring at the photo. Almost immediately a wave of Brenda‘s perfume hit her nose and she let out another sob. She had to get more bottles of that perfume, a lifetime supply. How was she to fall asleep without that scent when it had become the only thing that made her fall asleep without troubles, that made her father shut up?

Joan buried her nose in the blanket, her hair falling around her face like a curtain and this is how she fell asleep with only one thought on her mind:  **Derek Channing is going to regret that he ever set foot onto the same property as Brenda.**

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are as always appreciated. ♡  
> For more content/contact you can follow me on Twitter which is @/witchesmortuary.


End file.
